Our (Neurodiverse) Family

In honor of ICP Awareness Day. Even normal pregnancies are fraught with many emotions. There's the emotions surrounding the transition: excitement and nervousness. Then there are the emotions about going through pregnancy itself: Ee! I'm going to have a baby! Oh my gosh, you mean I have to go through nine months of THIS? This random thing is making me cry. The baby is kicking! It's so beautiful! Aggh, my life is over! You get the idea. When you find out that your pregnancy is high risk is another matter altogether.  I know for other high risk moms that there is a lot of anxiety and stress surrounding their pregnancies. Extra appointments; possibly lots of medication; worrying about the baby; worrying about their babies needing extra help when they come out; worrying about long-term ramifications to their babies and possibly themselves; etc. Now, I speak only of my own experience having a rare pregnancy-related disease here, but these are some of the emotio...

I am an ICP Warrior. Two times over. What does that mean? I had Intrahepatic Cholestasis of Pregnancy (or simply, cholestasis) twice. ICP is a rare liver disorder (1 in 1000 pregnancies in the United States) where bile production is slowed down or stopped, causing bile salts to develop in the bloodstream. One of the most common symptoms of ICP is intense itching. Intense doesn't begin to describe just how miserable the itching is, at least for me. Imagine you have bug bites all over your body, and I mean every square inch. The itchiest kind. Then turn your skin inside out. That should give you a small idea of how bad it was. No, this itch cannot be helped with Benadryl (though it can help with sleeping for some). No, lotion will not help because it is not dry skin. Unless that lotion has menthol and/or lidocaine in it, then it will give some temporary relief. My favorite remedy was the Aloe Vera sunburn relief gel that has lidocaine and menthol in it. And no, I could not ...

I had some very kind messages after my last post, and I thank all of you for them. They mean a great deal. By some miracle, I am getting regular appointments! True, I am still on the cancellation list, but enough people are "graduating" (in the secretary's word) that stuff is opening up. Childcare has been working out so far as well--the last few appointments, my mom has been up visiting and she has been able to help with my girlies. I have had offers from friends to help as well, which again, means a lot to me. I seriously wasn't expecting things to work out like this. My therapist and I have started processing (DNMS therapy) and the few sessions we've had so far are already making a difference and have opened my eyes to some things. I'm even noticing a difference in my girls, especially Kate. I've told Kate that I'm going to a special doctor to help my mind feel better so I can be a better mommy to her and Livia. Things aren't perfect--I ...

For those of you who are not Facebook friends with me...surprise, I'm pregnant!  That's the big reason why I haven't been around much recently--dealing with first trimester yucks mostly. I'm due October 2, but it will probably be earlier than that. For those of you who are nosy, I'll answer the standard FAQs about pregnancy right here. How are you feeling? Now that I'm 11-ish weeks pregnant, I'm doing a lot better. Earlier on in the pregnancy is another story though. Food aversions have been THE WORST this time. From 6-8 weeks I could hardly eat anything except cold cereal, pop tarts (the thought makes me gag now), and cooking was out of the question. We got a lot of take-out and frozen meals during those weeks. I'm afraid this one is going to be a super picky eater.  I'm able to eat more foods now and cook a little more, but I am tired all the time. Last time I could just take a nap whenever I wanted, but this time I have a th...

Being inspired by my brother-in-law's most recent blog post, I decided to make a year in review. I think this is especially fitting because admittedly, I wasn't the best about blogging in 2014. I hope you don't mind me copying you, Alex :) January Stephan's brother Alex came home from his mission in Pennsylvania and finally got to meet Kate for the first time, since he left just a month before she was born. She called him "daddy" for a while because he and Stephan look a lot alike. I reluctantly decided to have my antidepressant dosage upped to a mid level rather than the really low dose I had been taking. February Stephan caught the flu for the second year in a row. Kate and I did not because we had flu shots.  I shared my depression story with Megan at Brave Hearts . Kate turned two years old. At her two-year checkup, she had gone from being in the 90th percentile for height to the 95th percentile. Pediatrician astounded at her verbal...

Oh, here I am again. It HAS been a while. I haven't really known what to write about and unfortunately, I do not have good news on the job front. Stephan has been applying and interviewing, but instead of job offers, he gets messages saying, "Thanks but no thanks." It's starting to get old. Sure, there are some nice things about having Stephan home these past nearly two months, but the fact we don't have money coming in (well, we will once the unemployment stuff kicks in) is very stressful.  Stress is not good for my depression and anxiety, so of course I've had a flare-up of those. Unfortunately we no longer have health insurance and since we don't have money coming in, I can't go see my therapist. Ugh. Then there's the question of what to do to occupy ourselves in the meantime. I've read some articles on the web that give advice on what to do during unemployment, and ironically most of the tips include, "Take a trip! D...

After spending the better part of a month bleeding in some form (spotting for two-ish weeks and miscarriage bleeding for one week), I am now free. My feelings on the end of this month's reign of blood? This video sums it up best: I asked my doctor if I could have a "get out of periods free" card for the next few months, and he laughed. Not mockingly, he genuinely thought it was one of the funniest things he's heard in the eight years he's been an OB. I am so sad that he's leaving the practice and going somewhere that doesn't take my insurance. Otherwise I'd have him deliver my next child. Sighs...oh well. If you are male and reading this first part, I am so sorry. Hopefully the mood swings will go away too. Seriously, one day I'm doing fine, and the next.... For all of my fellow Whovians. That's probably an exaggeration. Really what happens on my bad days is that I just become more withdrawn and don't really want to be ...

We use cloth diapers. As if you didn't already think we're weird, right? If you don't like reading about the bowel movements of small children, I would suggest not reading any further. Still reading? All right, but don't say I didn't warn you! I started cloth diapering when Kate was about eight months old and we had our own washer and dryer. There's a funny story behind how we started cloth diapering. Stephan was completely against cloth diapering, but I wanted to try it. I finally bought a couple to try out, but I didn't tell Stephan. In fact, the night before the cloth diapers were to arrive, Stephan was recounting a conversation he and his co-workers had about cloth diapers that day. "What was the consensus?" I asked, keeping a good poker face. "That they're disgusting and never want to use them," he replied. I just smiled. Two days later, I put Kate in her first cloth diaper, and it made her butt look all cute...

Yesterday, the internet news world ignited with news that Kate Kelly (founder of Ordain Women) and John Dehlin (the man behind Mormon Stories) are facing the possibility of excommunication. To those who are not familiar with disciplinary counsels in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, it would seem like this is some kind of a witch hunt. It's not. While I am not intimately familiar with the workings of disciplinary counsels, I have learned about how they work. My dad served as a bishop when I was in high school and my father-in-law is currently serving as bishop. I alos have many relatives who have served in leadership callings--in fact, my grandmother's cousin is currently a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, though I have never met him. Here is the first thing you need to know about disciplinary counsels: they are NOT made public. Great pains are taken to keep them as discreet as possible to protect the individual's privacy. My dad couldn'...

I used to be an advocate for out of hospital birth. Before I was even pregnant, I read Ina May Gaskin, Henci Goer, watched The Business of Being Born ...you name it, I read it. I believed the fear-mongering about hospital birth, and decided that whenever I did have a baby, I would go to a birthing center (it would be cheaper too!), but I was open to a hospital birth should I somehow feel it was necessary. The day I took a pregnancy test and saw those two lines saying that I was going to have a baby, I had a powerful, unmistakable feeling that this baby needed to be born in the hospital. My husband felt the exact same way, though he was always hesitant about my previous desires for an out-of-hospital birth. I was already getting my well-woman care through a group of Certified Nurse Midwives, so I continued going to them for my prenatal care. As you all know, I developed ICP and had to be delivered early. Can you imagine what could have happened had I decided to give birth outside...

With me, it's all 'er nuthin'... .(courtesy of Oklahoma ) Of course, that song isn't about what I want to discuss. The quoted song is for lack of a better word, a DTR between the two characters. Thankfully, my husband and I are very clear about our devotion to each other and no one else. No, this post is about my tendencies toward "all or nothing" thinking. This is a pretty common trait in those of us who have depression/anxiety. I suppose it's because we have little control over our mental health issues, apart from taking medicine and going to therapy. Yeah, those two are great, but for me, only help so much. Contrary to popular belief, my antidepressants are not "happy pills", they're more like "keeps me from harming myself and others" pills. Basically, they take the edge off of certain symptoms, but the others (like lack of energy) are another matter altogether. I suppose for someone who does not have husband, childre...

So, fellow Itchy Mom Hilary Boyer  did a hilarious post on Top Ten "Signs" You Have ICP  and I decided to do my own. Of course, having ICP is no joking matter, but it's important to have a sense of humor during hard times, otherwise you go insane. I give you "...you might be an Itchy Mom" in the style of Jeff Foxworthy. If you know what Sarna is and have been tempted to name a child after it...you might be an Itchy Mom. If you have difficulty relating to women who go past their due date because you were never allowed past 37 weeks....you might be an Itchy Mom. If the most romantic thing your husband can do for you is scratch the itchy spots and/or give you a Sarna rubdown....you might be an Itchy Mom. If the OB office staff knows you by name, face, and ferocious scratching...you might be an Itchy Mom. If you have scared medical professionals with the scabbed scratches on your extremities...you might be an Itchy Mom. When you get your inducti...

Thank you everyone for reading and sharing my last post! It means so much to me and our efforts are paying off! I was interviewed to be on Good4Utah and hopefully my segment will air tonight either at six or ten p.m. Check me out then! Well, mostly check out the Kate footage because she's so darn cute. She actually cooperated for the most part during the interview, thank goodness. 

Apparently this is from a Newsweek cover What's the perfect mother? Well, according to the internet, the perfect mother... Has a natural birth because epidurals are EVIL!!! Breastfeeds with no trouble at all. She is not poisoning her baby with formula Her baby sleeps through the night right away. Makes EVERYTHING from scratch, including baby food. Oh, and it's organic because NO CHEMICALS FOR THE BABY!!! Uses cloth diapers exclusively. Disposables EVIL! NO SCREEN TIME!  This is by no means comprehensive, but this is a taste of what you will find in the mommy blogging world. News flash: the perfect mother does not exist. But good mothers exist in all shapes and forms :) I was totally going to have a natural birth, and I did everything "right" to have one. I was like Wendy in What to Expect When You're Expecting , did I look like someone who wanted to drug my baby?! Of course, then I had to be induced early. After a few hours on pitoc...

Apparently, today was Mental Illness Day...whatever that means. I hate saying that I have a mental illness. There's the stigma of course: "But you seem so happy! How can you possibly have depression?"; "If you really had (insert diagnosis here) then why do you seem so normal?"; "You just need to have more faith!"....and so on and so forth. Of course, my various diagnoses certainly classify me as mentally ill--depression, anxiety, and PTSD. Geez, I sound like I should be in a room with padded walls, not a happily married stay-at-home mom! Truth of the matter is, mental health issues are much more common than most people realize. Everyday, you will walk by someone who is struggling with them to varying degrees. Are they over-diagnosed? Possibly, but I think that we're just more aware of it now than we were fifty years ago. Do I have a mental illness? *cringes* Yes, but I am doing everything in my power to not let it define me while trying to ...

I am not pregnant, but it's related! You know that liver disorder I got when I was pregnant with Kate? The one that my mom, grandma, and aunt had too? It's official name is Intrahepatic Cholestasis of Pregnancy, but mostly we call it ICP (no, not Insane Clown Posse) or cholestasis. The main symptom is intense itching (believe me, that's an understatement) and can cause things like premature labor, fetal distress, meconium passage, maternal hemorrhaging, and stillbirth. Not much is known about it, other than it runs in families and is bad news, and there are still health care providers who don't know much about it. If you're friends with me on facebook, you have probably seen me post about it constantly and you're tired of me posting it.  But speaking of facebook, there's a group of us--it's called ICP Care/Itchy Moms. ICP Awareness Day is coming up next month (June 10, to be exact) and I have been asked to organize an event for ICP Awareness ...

Stephan and I came up with this parody to the chorus of "Climb Ev'ry Mountain" from The Sound of Music . This is dedicated to exhausted parents everywhere. Enjoy Climb over mommy Spill your sippy Give up afternoon naps Fine! Just watch TV! If you don't remember the tune....

About a month before I graduated from high school, the ward (congregation, for those of you who don't speak Mormon) newsletter specialist called asking about my post-high school plans, so she could put it in the ward newsletter. I gave her the information, and then she said, "Since it's Mother's Day this Sunday, I'm asking people to share the best thing they have learned from their mothers. What's the best thing your mother taught you?" I thought about it for a minute, and then said: "The trash can is your friend." The newsletter specialist laughed hysterically. When the newsletter was distributed the following Sunday, members of our ward got a good laugh out of my quote, and my mom may have been slightly embarrassed. For those of you who know my mom, you know that she is a very talented woman. She plays piano and organ to a very high degree. She can sew just about anything and taught herself to make jewelry. She sings with the Houston Sy...

If you read the post I published late last night, you may have been a little concerned about me. I just wanted to do an update this morning to tell my readers that I'm doing better. After I published the post, I got ready for bed, said a prayer, turned on some calming music, and snuggled with the husband. Kate got up in the middle of the night, which would normally be bothersome, but this time I welcomed it. For some reason, snuggling my sweet girl helps the anxious feelings melt away. Oxytocin is a beautiful thing, isn't it?  However, I am facing the consequences of staying up too late--I'm a bit tired now. We also overslept a bit, making it necessary for Stephan to rush out the door for work. I've been making the best of it. Kate has had some tummy trouble this morning, so she's getting lots of mommy loves right now :)

For some reason, I was really tired today. I didn't sleep too badly last night and Kate even slept in until 8:45! Yet, I was still tired. Just after four o'clock, I decided to lie down...and then I dozed off. Big mistake. Now it's eleven and I am wide awake. Restless. I should not have taken that nap, ugh. Now I won't fall asleep until the middle of the night, and knowing my luck, Kate will wake up really early and I'll be exhausted tomorrow. How am I feeling? I'm mad at myself for taking a nap so late. I'm annoyed that I was so tired for most of the day, and now that it's so late, I'm wide awake. I have no idea what I'm going to do now. I feel like I should have exerted more energy today, but how am I supposed to do that while keeping the Sabbath day holy? I get frustrated with Sundays. I'm still figuring out this "day of rest" business, but if I don't do something that requires more energy than reading scriptures...