Our (Neurodiverse) Family

In honor of ICP Awareness Day. Even normal pregnancies are fraught with many emotions. There's the emotions surrounding the transition: excitement and nervousness. Then there are the emotions about going through pregnancy itself: Ee! I'm going to have a baby! Oh my gosh, you mean I have to go through nine months of THIS? This random thing is making me cry. The baby is kicking! It's so beautiful! Aggh, my life is over! You get the idea. When you find out that your pregnancy is high risk is another matter altogether.  I know for other high risk moms that there is a lot of anxiety and stress surrounding their pregnancies. Extra appointments; possibly lots of medication; worrying about the baby; worrying about their babies needing extra help when they come out; worrying about long-term ramifications to their babies and possibly themselves; etc. Now, I speak only of my own experience having a rare pregnancy-related disease here, but these are some of the emotio...

Physically: Zzzzzzzz....Livia has not been sleeping well. At all. We don't know why. Argh. But even when she does sleep well enough, I have insomnia. Grr.  Emotionally: Feeling slightly better...maybe? I haven't felt quite as foggy in the head despite my sleep deprivation. Maybe it's adrenaline.  Spiritually: Not doing so hot. I've been feeling empty and trying to fill the emptiness with really ridiculous things--maybe spending a little more than I should, too much internet time, trying to escape reality. I really need to do more meaningful things with what little free time I have.  Goals: take things a little bit at a time in all areas in my life. Stop with the all or nothing thinking.

I am an ICP Warrior. Two times over. What does that mean? I had Intrahepatic Cholestasis of Pregnancy (or simply, cholestasis) twice. ICP is a rare liver disorder (1 in 1000 pregnancies in the United States) where bile production is slowed down or stopped, causing bile salts to develop in the bloodstream. One of the most common symptoms of ICP is intense itching. Intense doesn't begin to describe just how miserable the itching is, at least for me. Imagine you have bug bites all over your body, and I mean every square inch. The itchiest kind. Then turn your skin inside out. That should give you a small idea of how bad it was. No, this itch cannot be helped with Benadryl (though it can help with sleeping for some). No, lotion will not help because it is not dry skin. Unless that lotion has menthol and/or lidocaine in it, then it will give some temporary relief. My favorite remedy was the Aloe Vera sunburn relief gel that has lidocaine and menthol in it. And no, I could not ...

I've been thinking, and I am going to start doing weekly check-ins about how I'm feeling physically, emotionally, and spiritually. You know, be accountable of sorts...and so people don't worry too much about me (are people worrying about me? Shut up anxiety) Physically: Blah. Bedtime has been a battle at our house recently with both kids, ergo, zzzzzzz.....or I wish I could. Of course, being tired is par for the course with parenthood I guess.  Oh, and I'm getting my gallbladder out in July. I had a few attacks recently, and I promised a few very dear people (like Stephan) that if it happened again, I'd make arrangements to get it out. It happened again, and now my gallbladder has an eviction date. Getting my gallbladder out before I turn 30...that was totally one of my life goals!  So, I've had a conflicted relationship with food recently.  Why am I waiting until July for my surgery? So I can get everything in order for the kids. I'm not...

You just came out with your own battle with depression and anxiety, and you have the crippling fear of people not liking you. I thought I was the only one! True, you say that you compensate by being bubbly and fun. I compensate by acting like I don't give a damn and proceed to subconsciously sabotage friendships so I can have a reason to say nobody likes me! Yes, I am totally screwed up. Okay, maybe we can't be friends then. Or maybe you can teach me to be bubbly. Or at the very least, my four-year-old and I loved you in Frozen and our daughters can be friends and play together! Maybe I'll watch you in "Bad Moms" this summer. Anyway, thanks for being open about your own struggles with mental illness. I already thought you were awesome for being pro-vax and just being cute all around, but opening up about your own battle just makes you all the more real. Let's have a playdate sometime, okay girl? Okay! Signed, Laura

I had some very kind messages after my last post, and I thank all of you for them. They mean a great deal. By some miracle, I am getting regular appointments! True, I am still on the cancellation list, but enough people are "graduating" (in the secretary's word) that stuff is opening up. Childcare has been working out so far as well--the last few appointments, my mom has been up visiting and she has been able to help with my girlies. I have had offers from friends to help as well, which again, means a lot to me. I seriously wasn't expecting things to work out like this. My therapist and I have started processing (DNMS therapy) and the few sessions we've had so far are already making a difference and have opened my eyes to some things. I'm even noticing a difference in my girls, especially Kate. I've told Kate that I'm going to a special doctor to help my mind feel better so I can be a better mommy to her and Livia. Things aren't perfect--I ...

I have finally gone back to therapy, after close to two years. My therapist had been wondering about me. That's why I like her--I'm not just a number. She never forgot me! She did a follow-up anxiety assessment. When I started seeing her a few years ago, my anxiety. was classified as "severe". At this appointment, my level was critical. CRITICAL That's worse than severe. I had no idea that my anxiety could get any worse than severe.   Of course, it's not like the last two years have been stressful. I mean, other than a miscarriage, my husband getting laid off, going through unemployment, husband adjusting to new job, me having a difficult pregnancy, husband's father dying, and then having a new baby... Yeah, pretty sure most people don't have that much craziness happen in a decade. What can I say, we seem to enjoy doing all the stressful things at once in this family. I don't know why, but it is what it is. It's ...